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Wednesday, July 9, 2008

What dreams may come...

Other than the above being the title of one of my favorite books/movies my dreams mess me up. They are so vivid, I can feel their effects for days. Usually a dead relative (parent), ex-wife (see dead relationship) or I'm smoking, drinking or doing drugs (dead addictions). On the rare occasion I dream of one of my daughters... it is a gloomy few days after that. Fucking guilt and remorse.

Now there is the school of thought that our vibrations change when we sleep so we, or our astral selves actually travel to these places and experience these things, which would explain why after I dream of travelling to India I am totally shagged out for at least a day.

Last night I dreamed I bought a carton of cigarettes. I haven't had one in 70 days. I felt like shit for doing it too. And I wake up with that mood permeating the rest of my day. I know, I know, I can start my day over any time I want to and as often as I need to. That's not the point. I have this mood on like a an old sweater. I could easily take it off, but it's just easier being a grumpy fuck.

So self centered. Here I am again, swimming in Lake Me and as usual I bring only one towel. I'm going to a noon meeting...

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...