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Friday, August 22, 2008

Ward is a little hard on the beaver...

I met the plane reasonably sober and when I saw my daughter all bundled up like a papoose I almost lost it. I think at that moment I knew I could not pull this off and get my shit together enough to make it work. But I stuffed that down deep and tap danced as fast as I could. I escorted my family into our little one room and showed them a crib I picked up second hand. My wife didn't seemed too bothered by living over a bar, and God knows I thought it was perfect, where else would I have lived?

As usual, my drinking escalated and she took notice. My bar manager noticed too, as I was gaining unnecessary attention with my behaviour. Considering the business he was in- it just wasn't cool.

My betrothed and I began fighting over the drinking. (This was the same women who stood in the Judges chamber six months pregnant with daisy's propped on her belly while the Judge asked me to sit down before I fell down, during our wedding. On the way home we stopped in a Target parking lot so I could pee. The police did not find it amusing.)

The end wasn't just near, we ran over it.

As usual, I had been out barhopping and upon my return she snapped, flying at me, swinging her fists, punching me in the face. I threw my arms out in front of me and struck her in the nose. We both stopped and I backed out of the room and went downstairs where I power drank to mask the shame and self loathing.

Her Mother wired her rescue cash and the following day they both exited my life.

Walking down the long, beige hallway to the airplane she removed her sunglasses and looked at me with a fierce hatred. Both her eyes were blackened and bruised. She never uttered a word, just walked to the plane. I didn't see her again for eighteen years.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...