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Monday, May 25, 2009

One moment, one breath...

The now. Attempting to practice the ability to stay there. Not easy, but like any new endeavor it takes practice.

Far too simple to travel back into past pain and resentment, to relive the moments of loss...or to jump into an unknown future, projecting the horrors of bewilderment, or self-fulfilling prophecy (always in a negative context...forget the lottery.)

But the positive is elusive...hard to allow myself the luxury of thinking of a future that includes romance, financial security and peace of mind.

Easier to settle for the bullshit. The guilt, the shame, the things that keep me stuck. Allowing my past to keep me in the cycle.

But no one said positive change is easy.

Through letting go of the defects that keep me from being of service, and helping others without regard or regret, change will come.

My mind wails, "When will the change come? When will it get better?"

And a soft, still voice gently reminds me... as soon as I want it to.

Now, about that lottery.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...