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Saturday, October 18, 2008

If you drink, don't drive...don't even putt.


The word rings with dread, especially for the serious drinker. Because once the blackouts start, one can never again use the "I'm not an alcoholic because I don't have blackouts" (bullshit) excuse.

I have suffered from them from the start. I thought everyone had 'missing time' when drinking. Come to think of it, maybe I was abducted by aliens.

By the nature of the phenomenon, in which we are functional, ambulatory and upright, but not aware of it, or have any memory of the event other than brief flashbulb moments, it is hard to describe.

The flashbulb moments are horrible for me. in smeared a stolen tricycle through a bar...more black....then morning. Wow...that was fun.

As in my previous post I have just been fired faster than the Olsen twins can throw up a Triscuit, I was of course still plowed when I was ejected with undue force from the premises.

The rest of it is all flashbulb memory, but the scary thing was this started on a Monday...I came out of it the following Friday.

Cab to the West End...singing loud Irish songs with a rugby team...throwing up on Elm Street (in a crowd)...another Irish Pub by Fair Park...headbutting for fun...and back to the Bar and Grill where it started. Then, a red haired girl with a freckle on the very tip of her nose...she matching me drink for drink...her apartment...tequila...coming to Friday morning having a naked knife throwing contest in her kitchen.

I was unwell.

Very, very, unwell.

I managed to talk her into taking me to a meeting...I knew I was headed to oblivion and somehow, I had had enough. She thought she might have a problem, as well, gee...ya she agreed.

She lasted a half hour and bolted.

I stayed, and this time lasted seven and a half years, one day at a time.

And so begins life, without my crutches, but with all my faults...

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...