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Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'm in love with a dead jazz singer...

The title of this is misleading. I was only peripherally aware of Amy Winehouse when she was alive, but now, with her passing, I'm terribly saddened.

I have watched all of her performances on you tube, as well as interviews, and in her voice I can hear every reason why she was so troubled.

I am particularly haunted by her version of, "Will you still love me, tomorrow?"

A lot of us have had an "Amy" in our life, someone we love and have to walk away from because we can't bear to watch the self destruction.

Some of us are the "Amy" and continue to believe the lie that addiction wraps up and presents to us in so many different guises, looking for that weak spot, that will allow it to take hold.

I pray the "Amy" I had to walk away from doesn't end with that phone call, the one that seems to always happen late at night, the one that you can't wish away or ever take back, and as soon as you hear the words spoken on the other end, your life changes, permanently from that moment.

There is still time...

Thursday, July 21, 2011

The deadline approaches...

I gave myself until September to have the first draft of the manuscript finished. I'm on Chapter eight, just finished actually, and it looks like I may need more time. I didn't know I could remember so much...

It's good for me to write the truth, of who I was and probably still am, to a large degree.

Had I had the insight I have now 30 years ago...well, a lot would be different, but I wouldn't have the material needed to finish this project.

I finally get it. The life that was given to me and the life I've lived were so this could be written.

Now I understand.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Just checking in...

Still here. Working on the book, and it's coming along better than I could hope.
Medical issues still a hassle, but I guess it's the price of living long enough for stuff to start breaking. Lucky me.

Still sober and once again have quit smoking. Over 2 years sober, and 30 days today without a cigarette.

Visit to the cardiologist on the 18th. Nothing wrong, just having a stress test to see where things stand.

My oldest brother died when he was five years older than I am now. First (and yeah..only) heart attack. Died after work, walking to his truck in the parking lot to go home.

Procedure on the compression fracture of my C5 vertebrae on the 10th of August.

I will not go quietly...

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...