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Friday, October 24, 2008

Age and treachery beat youth and volume...but not as well as a hammer.

I'm taking a break from the story to comment on a few things I have learned.

Last Monday I turned 49 and thought I should have picked up a few things by now, other than STD's and bad credit, and thought writing them down could be helpful.

To whom? Hell if I know...but here goes.

I know that sunny days are not automatically wonderful. Sunshine is simply nature's way of jerking you off, so don't believe it. On any sunny day, I promise you, a church official somewhere is tea-bagging a ten-year old. I prefer rain and gloom. It's more realistic.

I know that if you stand five women on their heads, naked, they all look alike. (Like 50 year old Armenian grocery store owners with no teeth and bad breath.)

I know that the older I get the phone calls in the middle of the night are from people dying rather than a 'booty call'. (I can't believe I used that term.)

I know that food always tastes better when someone else has purchased it.

I know that people who order salad dressing on the side suffer from a mild form of retardation.

I know there is a deep and meaningful joy in looking into someones eyes and telling them to go fuck themselves.

I know that the child support system in this state is corrupt and divorced Fathers are the largest oppressed minority we have. (If you're a black, one-legged, dwarf and a divorced Father, I kneel to you, although I'm probably still taller.)

I know that a perfect night can be had with a good movie, great meal and a decent hand job...meaning I can have one by myself.

I know that the whale squeezers and the folks who dry hump the rain forest are all full of shit. Let a whale become lodged in their drain pipes and they'll be the first one's to grab a chain saw.

I know that the urge which follows the statement, "I have to have that" passes in a few moments, followed by either more money in the bank, to include the absence of a groin pull if I'm talking about a major appliance, or one less heartache, if I'm referring to a woman. That could possibly apply without the appliance.

I know it used to matter to me what women thought of me. Today, I'd rather have comfortable shoes and a warm place to take a crap.

I know that pet ownership is for married people. They don't risk dying alone and being eaten.

I know that there are ugly babies, and all children are not special. Contrary to the opinions of the phenomenon of professional Mommies-they all grow in to adults. (Plus the ability to have a child does not make you a genius or qualify you for sainthood...I know a lot of stupid parents.)

I know that a college education does not automatically make you smart.

I know that simply having a vagina does not make you pretty...but someone will have sex with you. It also makes you a pretty good air scoop on the hood of a car. (Hey, I can hear the ocean...)

I know that the people who watch "Worlds funniest home videos" on purpose should be placed in camps.

I know that true romantic love may last for a while, but never forever. It is a myth. Much like the evil monkey in your closet.

I know that good girls don't finish last, they finish alone.

And finally, I know that if my special needs child ate your honor student's cat...someone would find it funny.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore...so now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it stays...in the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.


Thank you all...