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Friday, September 26, 2008

Landing in the fog...

Daylight was tweaking over the horizon when we landed at DFW. It was foggy in the City when I left, and foggy here when I landed.

Maybe the world was fogged in. While I was travelling above the earth maybe a huge fog bank had finally enveloped the planet, socking it all in. I warmed to the idea, but, having taken another Valium, I warmed to everything.

My youngest cousin met me at the gate. She was great, the closest thing I ever had to a baby sister, who truly loved me unconditionally.

She took me to my Aunt and Uncle's house, the one I lived in during the third grade Catholic school experience. It was smaller than I remembered, but still the closest thing to home I ever had.

My Dad was being prepped for surgery right before I got to his room. His wife sat in the hard backed chair next to his bed. I could hear him from outside the door, bitching and she shushing him like a petulant child.

A cute nurse exited the room as I was entering, rolling her eyes and smiling. Yeah...he could do that to you.

I steeled myself and walked in.

The scariest part was not how small my Father looked, nor how frightened, but how similar he and his wife looked. Like some strange, white haired, androgynous, couple of twins. Wow. Maybe the drugs had something to do with it.

I hugged him and he whispered thank you in my ear, then began doing his 'bit'. Never failed. He was an entertainer, so scared of who he really was, had to be the 'Nutty Professor' whenever any one walked in to the room. I had finally gotten old enough to tire of it.

She just looked at him, letting him go. She really put up with a lot...his tantrums, moods, personality shifts.

Like they said about the blind hooker; you really had to hand it to her.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...