eXTReMe Tracker

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I'm no hero...

I've thought long and hard as to how to how best to explain my absence on the blog and the truth is the only way to go.

I was just released from the VA hospital. I checked in last week. Suicidal and self-medicating, again. For you novices to recovery I was drinking and smoking weed. No apologies, no excuses.

Turns out my medication stopped working about a year ago. I didn't know it. So every day, I slipped lower into the shit...wondering eventually how it got up to my nose.

Also let me know I have been dealing with untreated PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) since childhood. Untreated for forty years. Nice. At least I have a name to attach to it and thereby get help for it. So yeah, it's back to meetings, medication, therapy and an attempt to salvage my relationships with my children. If I have the time left.

I'm on new medication, and it looks promising. I hope so.

They offered electro-shock therapy, as an alternative to the meds. No effing thank you, I like what personality I have, and I have no need to arc weld when I piss, so I say no to the voltage. Jesus.

This stops. Regardless how this pans out, the self destructive, hateful behavior ends. I am electing to go into two different VA treatment programs, walking away from what little I had, to get better.

I was hesitant to try the VA as there are so many who really have paid the price, and will never come home, or get well.

A sideways kind of survivor guilt, maybe. Who knows.

I learned a lot in a week. I learned my guilt and remorse over my three failed marriages and the disastrous job I did with my kids has kept me from finding someone else to love. I stayed alone, and grew more and more disconnected. Talk about a fixer-upper.

I would love to write material for my act about the experience but feel it too selfish while others still fight and die and lose more than I have ever had.

They are the heroes. I'm just trying to settle the demons.

To my family and friends who have been supportive and continue to be, thank you. It means more than I can express.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...