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Sunday, June 7, 2009

Expecting miracles...the fact of the matter.

They tell me to do that-expect a miracle-those folks in recovery and I sometimes fall short of the mark.

In my self-centered; grandiose mind, a MIRACLE would have a lot of zeros separated by a couple of commas; or I would be discovered doing standup comedy, or be a famous author, or SHE would walk into my life and realize I was the one for her.

No, none of these.

I am beginning to think in a different way.

The fact that every morning I hit my knees, asking to be kept clean and sober (after vowing I would kneel to no man-ever) and hit them again at night, thanking a power greater than myself for that privilege...and pray that I may be of service during that day to others...

The fact that I have not taken a drink or used a drug to change the way I feel, when things don't go my way, for 45 days...

The fact that I walk to work most days, performing a job I don't particularly care for, and try to do my best while there...

The fact that I attend at least one meeting a day, and try to listen instead of hear myself talk...

The fact that I am willing to take direction from others...

That I get to talk to my three daughters several times a week, and have them glad to hear from me...

That I may help my Aunt and Uncle, who cared for me and saved my life as a child-and are doing it again, without question or expectations...

The fact that friends have not turned away, after my behaviour would have been enough for that response...

I never expected these-but they are the miracles in my life today.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore...so now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it stays...in the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.


Thank you all...