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Friday, December 23, 2011

just a taste...

Chapter 32
People need love.

This time, the idea is so warped and starved I became someone else, someone I would grow to loathe.

For affection. Attention. Human touch.

However packaged they will always confuse the fastest feeling there…confuse it with love.
I received what I missed from not drinking, the feeling of love, warmth, all is right with the world, (which really only happened once,) and I spent the rest of my life chasing it and missing.

I received it by working private parties. For Bachelorettes.

Birthday parties. Girls’ night out.


I found I had worked out too much. Noticed at lunch, approached, and said yes, sounded like fun. I did not hesitate. My ego answered for me. I gave it complete control.

I began acting entirely selfish and narcissistic. I am that normally, but this was abnormal. I slept with many women. I made money.

I did not know who I was anymore.

I ran the string out on this one stone cold sober. Almost 13 months. I can always not drink and use things other than drugs and alcohol to alter my reality and quite often do.

I lasted till almost Spring.

I took a last minute flight to Hawaii with six hundred dollars in my pocket. One way.

I boarded my flight about the same time a Mother I had slept with was finding out she shared this same distinction with her daughter. As was the husband and Father. Two miles from the Airport.

I can imagine that did not go well.

No one knew I was at the airport.

My co-workers at my office job, (the other was just part time) thought I had gone to lunch. I did. Right after I cashed in my terminal leave. I called the taxi from my office.

I had sobered up and started working for a Government entity.
With benefits.

You can understand a drink or two after the seatbelt sign went off.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...