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Monday, July 27, 2009

I don't think it rained at all...


Washed out blue sky, and the odd, big white cloud. For thirty days.

It was Texas after all.

I had been placed on Prozac for the depression, and Trazadone...for the nightmares. After about a week, the anchor came loose out of the mud and I started to look at things other than my feet.

It was still heavy, but now there was forward movement. Guess it was progress.

My Doctor was a woman from India. We began to discuss grief and mine was thick enough to spread on toast. Then we came to loss, and worked backward...

As we worked through it, it became evident that loss and abandonment, were my two major issues. I didn't know it, but my entire life reflected that, and for many years afterward, I simply reacted to it.

Today, if someone I love says "we need to talk..." I understand the words, but my brain tells me they're leaving, or they want me to.

I lost my Mom to alcoholism and the court system, after they declared her unfit. I lost my Dad to his personal demons and subsequent rage.

I lost my innocence to sexual predators. And I kept on losing...especially those I loved.

Later in life I learned that if they had no intention of leaving, my actions made sure they did. I became oddly comfortable with loss...I could predict it...I knew what it felt was what I knew.

The medication helped the depression, but nothing changed my perception. I didn't get it yet. I didn't know that if I kept doing what I always did, I would get what I always got.

We talked. Or to be more accurate-she listened and made notes.

I made a coffee cup, and a jewelry box and moccasins, and they called it therapy.

All the while looking at the sky, sensing it had gotten bigger, since my Mom and Dad were now a part of it. I asked for guidance, a sign, a voice out of the tree's...anything.

What I got was a hot wind...that said nothing at all.

It was my thirty days in the desert.

If it had rained, maybe it would have been different.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...