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Monday, June 30, 2008

Flicking wolverines in the balls...

My sponsor and I had lunch after a meeting yesterday. A lovely, temperate Sunday morning. I now have an assignment.

I have to call my ex-wives, (first red flag) and tell them I have developed a story about them that has kept me from accepting them and seeing them as perfect just the way they are, and I harbor no ill will or resentments toward them and I respect them immensely. Are you fucking kidding me?

Whew...Maybe I can get away with an email. Probably not...I know what he's going to say..."You said you were willing to go to any length to get better, regarding these women, and ultimately this will improve your relationships with your daughters, so what's the problem?" Shit. Shit. Shit. Maybe I've gotten comfortable keeping my distance.

These women were the bedrock of the wall I've built around me, so if I do this then I have huge holes in my wall. Then what? Another woman, possibly getting close? I don't feel well...

I just found out someone I thought was dead is very much alive. I knew a young lady my last year in High School. I had joined the army and was home on leave before going overseas. I knew her from school and was actually crazy about her. So we had a fling, each of us knowing I was leaving, and that was that.

A few years later I heard the rumor she had died from a congenital heart defect. I was again halfway around the world, but the thought of her dying sent me in to a spin. I think I may have mourned her.

Thirty years later I heard that the rumor was just that. Today I found a picture of her on the Internet at a reunion a few years ago, looking very much the way I remember her. Will I contact her...probably not. It's enough to know she's still alive, and still beautiful.

It's also safer this way....


Anonymous said...

This is odd... I think I know who you are talking about... Did you go to Lake Highlands HS in Dallas??

Geoffrey said...

Why, yes I did. Thirty year reunion coming in Oct. It will be the first one I attend.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...