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Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Arriving in the great, white North...

I drank beer in a deck chair underneath a huge orange heat lamp, and enjoyed the view. We motored through some of the most beautiful scenery in the world for about 24 hours and all I could do was try not to throw up. Hindsight being what it is, sitting in a deck chair, in the middle of January, on a ferry in Alaska, during a major snowstorm, does not seem like a viable mode of travel. But hell, it worked for me. The booze held the fear at bay and kept me from realizing this was a grossly, stupid idea.

Snowflakes the size of paper plates fell all around me, and as the sun came up the dawn got a bit grey and I looked over the edge. The water looked damn cold and there were sea lions playing in the wake. I was the only one on deck as the other travelers had better sense than to stand in a snowstorm, plus, a few who were entrenched in the bar got glimpses of me in various states of disarray every time I came back in for more beer. (I had begun buying them six at a time, and the bartender kept selling them to me. I guess he didn't have to worry about me driving home.)

I didn't appear altogether sane and they were keeping their distance. Good for them. I was not in a state of grace and poking me with a verbal stick was not a good idea. I was getting surly. To whom? No one; everyone, God, the sea lions...I had long since passed functioning.

By the time we docked at the ferry station I had drank myself reasonably sober. The snow had grown to a minor blizzard and I hailed a cab. The road from the ferry station to town was the only road that went anywhere. Juneau could only be reached by air, or water. No roads in, no roads out.

I left a dog eared copy of 'Call of the Wild' under the deck chair. Fuck Jack London...I had arrived.

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My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...