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Sunday, September 21, 2008

My relationship dynamics...sort of.

Before I go any further I feel the need to mention something. These are my memories. Some of which are very old indeed.
Sometimes they are difficult to dredge, while others ignite with the pain of a chemical burn.

The memories regarding the women in my life are some of the most difficult. I am very, very careful not to use any know who you are, or were in most cases.

I do not feel the need to poke, prod or needle any of you. In fact, I wish most of you would just go away, but if you did, I would not be the man I am, and I suppose I owe all of you a debt of some kind in that regard.

Thank you all for teaching me that love is conditional. That the size of the gold card is more important than the size of my heart. That I was never Mr. Right...simply Mr. Right now and for every one of you thinking you could change me, to turn me into your idea of what I should be.

Well, that worked well, didn't it?

No...not quite, but it did make me aware that you wanted me to change; that my good enough, was second best, that my good ideas, or at least the one's from the heart were something to be chalked up to eccentricity, and that love was best kept at a distance.

So, now I can begin the part where I am cheated on for the first time, (that I knew of) and the words, "There is no us..." become a part of the lexicon of language in the memories I try to ignore.

Please don't think I am bitter, or hate you, or I feel sorry for myself. I am simply clear.

There is a difference.


michael alan said...

Funny, you sound sorry for yourself.

Geoffrey Hill said...

Sorry it was taken that way. Nothing could be farther from the truth...just very aware.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...