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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

My Fathers eye's...

They were a particular shade of brown. Shards of green and gold. They could pierce, like flaming effing arrows, but look kind, while he was beating the shit... dead out of you.

Let me mention. I wanted, so badly to have his approval.

A smile.

A pat on the head.

That look.

Knowing his Dad blasted a 30.06 round through his skull and past a hooker; past his little brother's head, asleep upstairs.

But wanting that approval, all the same.

But no.

He could make me feel like the kicks he was giving me, were truly my fault. That somehow, at five years old I deserved to be thrown to the cold linoleum and kicked and cursed, but I remember more his smell...pipe smoke; apples, scotch, Vick's, Aramis and coffee...


"What is it buddy?"

"Let's talk about something."

"Sure pal, what about?"

"Tigers, Dad, let's talk about Tigers..."

And I would sit on his lap.


michael alan said...

Attention is attention- it's better than being ignored. Sorry, not too comforting.

Geoffrey Hill said...

Don't need comfort. It is what it is. But thanks, all the same...

michael alan said...

No, I know you don't- BELIEVE me. You're writing the 'past,' and I'm thinking in the past (and since I worked with kids most of my life, just got me thinking- "kinda like if I was helping an abused child have an understanding of their thoughts, telling them "attention is attention," ...that wouldn't be very comforting. Articulation isn't a strong suit. Feel free NOT to post or answer to anything I write, I wouldn't get offended. BTW- I'm kinda new to this blogging thing, so you have a couple thousand readers? I find it odd there aren't more comments.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...