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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

And on...

I don't feel funny today. Or cute, or particularly clever. Guess you can't have it all.

Struggling mightily to get rent paid in time...it's not looking good. I worked a wine dinner tonight. Easy. But it's still a struggle. But I know it's a struggle for almost everyone, right now. I know I am not the only father behind in child support, and there are those who have even less than I do.

Poor bastards. Gratitude is my way out, and that, my friends, is a bitch. Always has been. Bumps up against this damned sense of entitlement I have always wrestled. At least it can be a goal. Short term.

I made that appointment with the VA, check on my meds. Need to. I am out of whack. Someone told me I might have a thyroid problem. Explain the largess and the lack of desire to do anything constructive. Worth a shot.

The weather is not helping. It has been colder than a blue fuck the past few days, and I'm heartily tired of it. Ice almost cost me a bad slip outside the apartment. Ice on the top step about resulted in the back of my skull rapping smartly against the sharp edge of the top step.

I imagined laying in the freezing ice storm, slowly bleeding to death. No one was out. I would not have been found in time. That would so suck.

I'm being told the best is yet to come and cannot imagine how this will all end up. But if we did know, would we still follow the course we set?


I can't imagine asking for this...

4 comments:

betterman1 said...

Hang in there. Funny, smart dude like you will catch a break.

Martin said...

Hang in there. Funny, smart dude like you will catch a break.

Or a STD.

Geoffrey Hill said...

Careful. The power of suggestion...

Dale said...

Well Geoffery it has been entertaining in a weird depressed way, reminds me of our conversations in San Marcos except not as dark. I won't ply you with platitudes and trite sayings, you wouldn't buy it anyway. Life is what you make it and that is a shit sandwich that's hard to swallow, especially day after day. Maybe some dijon will help...

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore...so now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it stays...in the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.


Thank you all...