eXTReMe Tracker

Monday, July 20, 2009

A true psychotic break should leave one breathless...

I came to hearing Andy Griffith.

You have got to be shitting me. God has the voice of Matlock? I hate that show.

Apparently only if the afterlife consists of cheap, thin pajamas, with property of the V.A. Medical Center stamped above the right breast.

Brown tile floors; washed out brown walls, big, almost floor to ceiling windows, covered in large gauge steel mesh. Window fans that could power an air boat, slowly blowing hot air throughout the ward.

A thin antiseptic smell-pine sol- with a liberal dose of "end of the road."

At first I had no idea how...then snapshots of the day before, flashbulbs brightening brief memory.

My roommate, finding me, wanting to call 911.

Talking him out of it, promising I would go to the V.A. Throwing what I could in an overnight bag, including a carton of camels. Leaving the rest behind.

My ex-wife and my babies, picking me up. Driving to Waco. One of the largest V.A. nut hutches going. Tears.

Wind through an open window, and more tears.

The eyes of a kind, older nurse, calming me down.

A cupful of pills, washed down with diabetically sweet, warm, red kool-aid. Then dark.

The pills should have had me down for a full 24. I had no idea when I went out, or what time it was now. I simply knew it wasn't long enough.

I liked the dark, with no dreams. I wanted it again, because this reality was bullshit.

I heard crying, then sobbing and screaming.

Poor bastard, I thought. Someone needs to sedate that man. I wondered what nightmare drove him here.

Then I heard my children's names through the sobs.

No comments:

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...