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Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Man I hope to be...

Yes, I have changed. My oldest friends recognize it as do I.

But there is still a lot of work to be done. I am in a better place, spiritually, than ever before and am thankful for that.

That being said, I am no Gandhi. I am no spiritual giant. I'm trying to make sense of a world I never thought I would be in and am still making mistakes. Sometimes very hurtful, thoughtless mistakes causing pain to people I truly love.

That is one of many aspects of my personality that needs a drastic overhaul.

I had considered ending this blog and starting a new one, but fear this one is just not through. This blog has chronicled my first fifty years on this planet. Fifty years of selfish, immature, dysfunctional behavior. I would like to think that the next part will be the opposite.

I'm not the guy that overcame adversity as a young man and bettered himself for it. I tried self reliance for years, and it failed me.

I stayed on the fringe, off the radar, and have paid a price for it. Some of us have ridden outside the herd for so long, when it's time to come in, we don't know how.

The new blog, starting perhaps on my fiftieth birthday, will chronicle whatever time I have left. Suffice to say, I'm not getting another fifty out of this ride, but will continue to write about the journey, for however long that may be.

I would dearly love to stop doing the things I do that cause people, some who know me, some who don't but know of me, to view me as a complete asshole. I am man enough to own that and will continue to stand strong and work on the Man I hope to be.

You may ask, what would that look like? For me it would be a man with a sense of compassion and responsibility for the people he loves. A man with a sense of honor and guidance. A man who can view his life, not as a series of constant mistakes, but as a series of lessons, designed to get me to that place.

A man with a sense of duty and service, placing his loved one's before all else. A man that can communicate verbally, as well as he does with the written word. There is a big difference in what one may read and the things I say. Having been too scared to talk as a child due to a horrible stutter, I didn't. And no one showed me how. But I never stuttered on paper and took pride and satisfaction in that. But now I have to learn to communicate without blame or defense or reaction.

I hope there is still time. But if not, I'll know I went out trying to be that man, instead of settling for who I used to be.

And that, will have to be enough.

1 comment:

Martin said...

I have always wanted to be someone other than myself. And yet, being just myself may be my place in the universe. There are enough other people, but only one me. Maybe my gift to others could be to just be myself.

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...