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Monday, December 1, 2008

I have no script for healthy...

I needed to call my wife. I just wanted news that my babies were OK, and that they still had a Daddy.

She was appropriately concerned, and I believe it to be genuine. She was always easy to emotionally persuade.

I had a script for that. She had issues. Mainly parental, but we had lived with them. I observed. I learned. I knew how to do that. I knew where the buttons were. I even helped install some of them.

All of my relationships have been unhealthy, in some regard. All of them. I do not know from 'healthy'. I do not have a script for that. If you are a woman and in my life even peripherally and you do not have wants or needs from me, I do not know how to react to that. I promise you, I am winging it.

The adrenaline dump took the better part of a day, and when it did, I slept for 12 hours. I woke up not wanting to talk about it... with her.

I needed people who had been there before me. I needed people who do it every day.

I told you the line was strong.

I tried talking about it in a meeting. No cops. No veterans. At least from that kind of war.

I knew where to go.

I knew someone at the DA's office. A good friend of hers had been shotgunned to death in an undercover operation gone very, very, wrong.

These are the ties that bind.

No comments:

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...