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Friday, December 5, 2008

She lives...

Today I am breaking from the narrative of the past into a very unsettled 'right now'. For those of you who might wonder if all this is true, I sincerely wish it were not.

I checked my bank account earlier this afternoon. I thought I had about twenty-eight dollars after the rent check cleared.

My balance was $-24,898.71.

25K in the hole since breakfast? WTF. Are you serious?

The amount is remarkably similar to the amount owed my first ex-wife, money for our 26 year-old, married and divorced (once that I know of), daughter.

Another item to add to my list-why Santa shot himself in the head. (For the record her efforts netted her a big 28 dollar 'score', and countless hours of me trying one more time to un-tangle my life...thanks, sweety.)

My other Holiday favorites included being left by my last ex-wife a week before Thanksgiving, culminating in waking up face down in a turkey t.v. dinner. (To include cranberry sauce in the hair. A legion of Newcastle Ale cans as testimony to my heartbreak. )

My Mom dying a week before Christmas is certainly a contender, as well as some very rather unpleasant holiday memories. But they all make it what it is- one big-bullshit gumbo, using money I don't have to buy things for people that they don't need.

And I better be smiling, cause it's the holidays mister, and we have a brother in the White House, and Wall Street is paralyzed but still strong...It's no Wal-Mart but don't forget to pay promptly please.

Pay the bills, and child support, Kid grown? no matter-pay up and try to eat, and keep up car insurance, and pay child support, and stay out of the rain, want heat? more child support, meet somebody forget it, more child support, economy bad, too bad...change? Not from down here...

The thought of a drink has brushed past my lapels but I know enough to ignore it. I think...

I lay my head down wiser but wary.

3 comments:

michael alan said...

And you quit drinking WHY? Damn Geoffrey, you just may have the 'go to' blog for people who think THEY'RE having a bad day. Fuck wiser, I'll take Newcastle, actually, Cacique, I'm on a budget.

michael alan said...

My apologies. As recommended, I've started from the beginning- sorry for the flippant remark, "And you quit drinking WHY?"

I think maybe your drinking stories hit a little too close to home....

Roxie said...

Tomorrow is another day baby.
I could sound just like you sweet cousin. Life happens. Sometimes it really sucks and sometimes it's ok and sometimes it's really wonderful.
I choose to have wonderful days no matter what . My life has been complicated at best but I really look at it as a learning process and a great journey. I know this does not go along with your blog :)but it is truly what I believe.
I work real hard on reading so many books of positive thinkers and spiritual writers. I fill my mind with all of that Geoff instead of the negative focus of what has happened and what might happen etc.
I love you,-- Michelle, Greg, Kelly, Jennifer, Lloyd, Mark, Claire, Candice, everyone in our family and extended cousins love you. OK?? get this !!!
We all have shit happen- you just don't know about it. Everyone looks at us and says -they have it all.
Know we don't. We choose too.
I love you and hope one day you will choose this too and stop being a victim in what happens around you and what happened to you.
I don't want you to ever stop your wonderful writing but take it to a higher spiritual plain if you want to feel better.
Love, love, love- Roxie

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be anymore...so now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it stays...in the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.


Thank you all...