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Thursday, September 9, 2010

...there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad...

There was no denying it had been a week of loss. One could say it had also been a week of change, but then, when is it not?

Nothing remains the same; life ebbs and flows and the pendulum swings. The difference as he saw it, was in just how he saw it.

He sadly ended a wonderful little romance because it was the honest and true thing to do. That was certainly new, especially for one whom romance had meant everything, in the time before. But the time before was gone, the man he used to be a faint reflection, turned ashen, along with what he thought passed for his youth.

The man he had become had gotten the face he deserved at fifty; it told the story, in laugh lines and wrinkles and sun damage, of a man whose spirit was forever young, but whose body had paid the price of excess. It spoke of his failures; his dreams that he had forgotten, and his daughters, whom he loved tremendously but could never convince them of that fact, because his selfishness had separated him from them, quite when they needed him most.

The terribly broken heart of a decade past had healed, but was not without it's scars. His heart had begun to hope again, and life was pumping through it, but in his hope he had gotten lost. It whimpered a bit at this fresh ache, but the hope he had been given soothed the pain and allowed it to rest until it passed.

He was forced to work two jobs, to pay for his past transgressions, and he lost one of them. In the other time there would have been much gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair and railing at God.

But in this time, he believed it was part of the plan, to go and do and stay on the path he had agreed to, to arrive at the place, or places, God had in mind, for whatever reason. He figured it really wasn't his business anymore, to know the why, he just had to gladly keep marching.

Seventeen months before, his addictions had brought him to the edge of suicide,and told him to stop believing in God, and their voices were loud. The next day he prayed, on his knees, for the first time in a very long time, and his prayer was heard.

His addictions and monsters had been taken from him, in agreement that he would do certain things to help himself and others, and he was keeping that agreement.

How he loathed his addiction to drugs and alcohol. It had destroyed everything good he had ever had. His friends in recovery were not without their battles either, and two of them had recently lost the fight. One drank himself to death and the other ended his life with a gunshot, and neither death would ever make sense.

But now he was able to sleep, most of the time without the chattering monkey of his failures keeping him awake, and he was grateful, because he had a chance, one more chance to live, and do it right.

Unless of course he fucked it up.


Anonymous said...

Nice post Geoff...spoken from the heart.

A friend...

Anonymous said...

It is very interesting for me to read this article. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to them. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.

Hilary Benedict
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Anonymous said...

Going through withdrawal....when will you write more?

My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...