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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hey shorty-it's my birthday...

My birthday. Fifty one trips around the sun. Christ, are we there yet?

I'm tired. Physically and emotionally. I am now closer to sixty than I am to forty and frankly, it's pissing me off. Inside there is a young man looking in the mirror saying "What the fuck? Who are you?"

I have not won the lottery; the girl of my dreams, my childrens undying affection, or a place where everything is rainbows and puppies.

I work as a line cook; a hot, demanding, thankless job- the only Anglo in an entirely Hispanic kitchen and the daily reverse racism is taking it's toll. Like working in the kitchen at the Alamo, the day after the fall.

I have three room mates and negative credit. I drive a 12 year old truck and buy my Polo shirts at Goodwill.

My body is shot, my face reflects a terribly misspent youth and my hair is thinning and greyer by the day. When I have to pee, there is no grace period, I have to go right then. I creak in the morning and moan at night. I am also single, as in not dating, no girlfriend, etc, and my sex drive is in high gear. "Dear Whoever is in charge of irony, Fuck you."

But on Saturday, I will have eighteen months clean and sober. Again, after succumbing to chronic depression (meds not working) and losing everything on a month long binge eighteen months ago.

And I am very, very grateful for that, I realize the jist of this rant seems pretty negative, but they are simply the facts. I am not feeling sorry for myself for I am on the upswing after the fall and am a work in progress.

I have learned a lot about me during this period and change is almost daily. Little by little, I learn to let go, and achieve a small amount of serenity, based on my spiritual condition.

My oldest brother died of a heart attack in a muggy Houston parking lot when he was fifty seven.

Six more years.

Check please...


Anonymous said...

I definitely want to read more soon. By the way, rather nice design that blog has, but what do you think about changing it every few months?

Anonymous said...

Well, may not be might be Celtic. Also, I know about the reverse racism. I really enjoy when I call others racists. It drives them crazy.


Anonymous said...

Don't count on that check with the way things are going.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're writing again. I thought I would check in to see how life is. You seem to be much better than last time we saw each other. Your writing always drew me in, keep it up!


My new disclaimer...yeah I know.

Okay, the old disclaimer was tired. The ideas were outdated and keeping me stuck in a place I don't want to be now for something more refreshing.

I have recently changed my views regarding women. Seems I had some issues with the fairer sex due to past pain and self- centered fear. (Yes...duh applies.)

I'm done with that.

Being in recovery has helped me change my entire life, perceptions and attitudes. I cannot change my history but I can change my today and my future.

I recently realized that the women I know in recovery are some of the strongest, bravest, most gentle and kind teachers I have ever had. You exemplify integrity and spiritual growth, and I hope you know who you are.

Some may know of my past marital and relationship history and been a participant in them as well. It's past and that's where it the past.

I own my part in those failures but claim no more responsibility in any misery you may be experiencing. I am sorry, but it's time to get off the cross. We need the wood.

Thank you all...